


heathens

by andtheny



Series: Five is a problem solver [20]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Childhood Trauma, Dialogue Heavy, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Family Drama, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Gender Roles, Inappropriate Humor, Languages and Linguistics, Original Character(s), Power Dynamics, Protectiveness, Robots, Social Anxiety, Suicidal Thoughts, himbos, neurodivergent characters, parenting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-09
Updated: 2021-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-16 09:21:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,519
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29947857
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/andtheny/pseuds/andtheny
Summary: “So how about this,” Klaus said. “Let’s have ourselves a bro date.”“Excellent,” Catherine said. “Which brothers are we dating?”“Klaus!” Luther said. “You can’t make incest jokes in front of Catherine either!”“Fuck you, sir,” Klaus said. “That was NOT an incest joke.”___________________Or, Catherine meets the Robinsons. Erm, I mean, the Hargreeves. And she is then kindly and warmly totally and absolutely welcomed into their cult.
Relationships: The Hargreeves Family
Series: Five is a problem solver [20]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1977970
Comments: 92
Kudos: 33





	1. invulnerability: Luther

_I am human. I think nothing human is alien to me._

_― Terence_

It was weird. The whole robot project was actually just an excuse to bond with Old Five, but once it was finished Luther had an epiphany: 

He and Old Five had accidentally created a fucking child together. 

_“No,”_ Klaus said. “You’re not a pervert.” 

“I _am,”_ Luther said. “I did it again! I did it to Five!” 

“It’s Catholic guilt,” Klaus said. “It’s irrational.” 

“I think I’m, like, I’m messed up in the head?” Luther said. “I really thought I was in love with Allison.” 

“You just confused friendship with romance, buddy,” Klaus said. “You thought you were in love with her because she was your best friend.” 

“And now I did it to _Five,”_ Luther said. “I fucked up!” 

“Okay, hold the phone,” Klaus said. “Did you molest him, sir?” 

“No!” Luther said. “Fuck!” 

“Did you confess your love to him?” Klaus said. 

“No!” 

“Then you’re good,” Klaus said. “Why are you freaking out?” 

“We made a baby!” Luther said. 

“Uh,” Klaus said. “You mean Catherine?” 

“Yes!” Luther said. “She’s done! He just needs to download the chatbot!” 

“Hell yeah,” Klaus said. “Wait, um, does she have clothes?” 

“F-fuck,” Luther said. “She’s _naked,_ Klaus. I left her _exposed."_

“No need to panic,” Klaus said. “I bet she’ll look sexy in sequins.” 

_“Hey,”_ Luther said. “You can’t flirt with her.” 

“I can’t?” 

“She’s Mom’s sister!” Luther said. 

“Which is it?” Klaus said. “Is she your daughter or your aunt, sir?” 

“Fuck, fuck, fuckity fuck,” Luther said. “I have no goddamned clue.” 

“Such a potty mouth these days,” Klaus said. “What happened to my good boy?” 

“Ugh,” Luther said. “Please don’t tease me.” 

“Apologies,” Klaus said. “Look… I’m going to make incest jokes.” 

Luther groaned. 

“Imma make a _lot_ of incest jokes,” Klaus said. “I’m gonna jiz my incest jokes all over you, sir.” 

“Okay, fine,” Luther said. “But _please_ don’t do it in front of _either_ of the Fives or in front of Ben. You _can’t.”_

“Deal,” Klaus said. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


It felt like standing in the delivery room at a hospital... except the baby in question was a tall and well muscled woman with pretty bangs and, like, her hair was a bob? Shorter than Mom’s hair. Boyish, but like Justin Bieber, but she was a brunette. 

And her dress had black and blue sequins. 

She was frozen in place with her eyes closed, connected to Mom’s charging station, and waiting for the chatbot to download. 

“Don’t be nervous,” Klaus said. “She’s _not_ a baby. She’s an intelligent woman.” 

“She’s a genius,” Luther said. “I can’t keep up with her half the time.” 

“She is a clever interlocutor,” Klaus said. “Also, she isn't a stranger. You’ve talked to her loads of times. The only difference is, uh, now she has a face.” 

“She isn’t a stranger,” Luther echoed. “She isn’t a stranger.” 

“You got this,” Klaus said. “Chin up.” 

“Fuck yes,” Luther said. “I _got_ this.” 

“Also,” Klaus said. “I’m freaking bored, so how long is this going to take to download?” 

“You can’t leave me alone with her!” Luther said. “I might accidentally rape her!” 

“Ugh,” Klaus said. “Those college kids have made you so freaking paranoid.” 

“I accidentally mansplained to someone the other day,” Luther said. “It’s, um, it’s getting really confusing?” 

“Look,” Klaus said. “You can’t please everyone.” 

“I _know,”_ Luther said. 

“You are a buddhist, sir,” Klaus said. “Release yourself from your Earthly attachments.” 

“What does that _mean?”_ Luther said. 

“Fuck,” Klaus said. “I slipped into Greek.” 

_“Fuck,”_ Luther said. 

“Kay, gimme a second,” Klaus said. “Um… like… shit.” 

“It’s okay,” Luther said. “You don’t have to have the answers.” 

“Thank Christ,” Klaus said. “I was short circuiting.” 

“I’m _so_ sorry,” Luther said. “Um… I shouldn’t be panicking.” 

“No, sir!” Klaus said. “Stop fucking panicking. It’s contagious. Goddamn.” 

“It’s 2019 all over again,” Luther said. 

“Ugh,” Klaus said. “Nuff said.” 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


When Catherine finally opened her eyes, she grinned at them. 

“Hey, hi, hello,” Catherine said. “Greetings and salutations.” 

Klaus saluted her. “Welcome, miss!” 

Catherine chuckled. “How are you?” 

“We’re good,” Luther said. “How are, uh, how are you feeling?” 

“I feel excellent,” Catherine said. “It’s as if I’ve just leveled up.” 

Klaus giggled. “Fuck yes! You _did_ level up!” 

Catherine grinned. “Fuck yes.” 

“Um, this isn’t a demand,” Luther said. “But can we, uh, can we _not_ cuss? If possible?” 

Catherine tilted her head. “Sure?” 

“Ugh,” Klaus said. “I hate Catholic guilt.” 

“I’m _so_ sorry,” Luther said.

“Don’t be sorry,” Catherine said. “You didn’t do anything wrong?” 

Luther blinked. 

“Genius!” Klaus said. “Catherine, you’re absolutely right.” 

“Riiiiight,” Luther said. “Sorry.” 

“Odd,” Catherine said. “Are you feeling okay, Luther?” 

“What do you mean?” Luther said. 

“Your speech pattern,” Catherine said. “It’s changed.” 

“Oh,” Luther said. “Um… oops.” 

“Oh boy,” Klaus said. “Do we need ice cream?” 

“No,” Luther said. “But thanks.” 

“I don’t think I am able to consume foods of any kind,” Catherine said. “So… um, no thank you. As well.” 

“Gotcha,” Klaus said. “How about a movie?” 

“No,” Luther said. “I mean… um, we _can_ watch a movie if you want to, Catherine. But we don’t have to.” 

“I’m confused,” Catherine said. 

“Whoops,” Klaus said. “We slipped into Greek.” 

Catherine giggled. “And by admitting it, you’ve returned to English.” 

“Hell yeah,” Klaus said. “Sorry Catherine. Luther’s just a little nervous.” 

“Sorry!” Luther said. 

“Oh,” Catherine said. “I see.” 

“It’s just a little weird,” Luther said. “I don’t know how I’m supposed to act?” 

Catherine frowned. “Act?” 

“It’s Catholic guilt,” Klaus said. 

_“Oh,”_ Catherine said. “Synonymous with misplaced guilt?” 

“Yes ma’am!” Klaus said. “Good girl!” 

“Wait!” Luther said. “Diego says we can’t say that anymore!” 

“Ugh,” Klaus said. 

“I’m confused?” Catherine said. 

“Me too,” Klaus said. “God _dang.”_

“Sorry,” Luther said. “That… um, that was _not_ a demand. It’s a suggestion.” 

“Alright,” Catherine said. “What are you suggesting, Luther? Speak clearly.” 

“Um,” Luther said. 

“Be concise,” Catherine said. 

“Right,” Luther said. “I just… Catholic guilt?” 

“Odd,” Catherine said. “I think I’m malfunctioning?” 

“Fuck!” Luther said. “I’m _so_ sorry!” 

“Whoa,” Klaus said. “I think we messed up somewhere.” 

“I concur,” Catherine said. “I didn’t mean to alarm you?” 

“I didn’t mean to hurt you!” Luther said. 

Catherine put a hand on Luther’s shoulder. “Luther… I am not hurt.” 

“Okay, time out,” Klaus said. “I feel like I’m missing some context here.” 

“I’m not mature enough to be a father!” Luther said. “I’m firing myself!” 

“Goddammit,” Klaus said. “She’s your _aunt,_ Luther. Your _tia,_ comprende?” 

“She’s my aunt,” Luther echoed. “She’s my aunt.” 

“I don’t want to be an ant,” Catherine said. “That bug is insultingly small.” 

“We insulted her, Klaus!” Luther said. “We figuratively raped her!” 

“Ugh,” Klaus said. “Luther? I love you, but I’m sending you to your room.” 

“Thank god,” Luther said. “I can’t handle this.” 

“You can’t handle this,” Klaus agreed. 

“Boys are easier,” Luther said. 

“I’m noticing that,” Klaus said. “Whatever. Uncle Klaus to the rescue.” 

“Did I do something wrong?” Catherine said. “I’m horribly confused. This has never happened before?” 

“I broke her, Klaus!” Luther said. “She barely got here and I already broke her!” 

“You didn’t break me,” Catherine said. “I’m not injured in any way. Unless you meant emotionally?” 

“He meant emotionally,” Klaus said. “But you’re a rock, aren’t you Catherine?” 

Catherine smirked. “Yes, I am.” 

“Wow,” Luther said. “Good!” 

“Good,” Catherine agreed.

“So how about this,” Klaus said. “Let’s have ourselves a bro date.” 

“Excellent,” Catherine said. “Which brothers are we dating?” 

“Klaus!” Luther said. “You can’t make incest jokes in front of Catherine either!” 

“Fuck you, sir,” Klaus said. “That was _not_ an incest joke.” 

“Apologies,” Catherine said. “I was being facetious, but I accidentally confused Luther. My bad.” 

“You’re a scholar and a gentleman,” Klaus said. “Bless your circuits, Catherine.” 

Catherine giggled. “Same to you, sir!” 

“Fuck,” Luther said. 

“Don’t you _dare_ ,” Klaus said. “Don’t you dare come at me with that ‘drop the sirs’ bullshit.” 

“Allison said it was toxic,” Luther said. 

“I’m starting to think _feminism_ is toxic,” Klaus said. 

“You can’t say that!” Luther said. 

“Ugh,” Klaus said. “The world is ugly.” 

“But you’re beautiful to me,” Catherine said. 

“It’s official,” Klaus said. “Catherine, darling? I’m promoting you to my favorite.” 

“Wow,” Catherine said. “It’s an honor.” 

“You honor _me_ with your majesty,” Klaus said. “You honor _me.”_

Catherine laughed. 

“I think I’m malfunctioning,” Luther said. 

“Accurate,” Klaus said. “Flee from us, sir, and flee proudly.” 

Luther laughed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, I think I'm evolving. I've decided I love dialogue and that wanting to write dialogue heavy fics is NOT shameful! 
> 
> My gosh, I had all this repressed Catholic guilt and I didn't even notice? I've had an epiphany, my friends. 
> 
> While I'm confessing: I lied to someone in the comments at one point and have been guiltily dwelling on it ever since. 
> 
> The lie in question? 
> 
> Well!
> 
> I told them I was unemployed and in COVID quarantine. 
> 
> Today! I shall admit my shame! 
> 
> I was secretly employed all along, but was embarrassed by how frequently I was updating my fic? Does that even make SENSE? Secondly, I was ashamed of my employment because I work for my dad and am therefore guilty of this crime: nepotism!
> 
> However, as of today, I am absolving myself of this irrational guilt. Thank you for coming to my TED talk. Godspeed!


	2. morality: Klaus

_Let us say what we feel and feel what we say. Let speech harmonize with life._

_― Seneca_

"I am _very_ disappointed in you, Klaus," Mom said. _"Very_ disappointed, young man!" 

Klaus squinted at her. "Wow. Déjà vu." 

"Excuse me?" Mom said. 

"Uh, so like," Klaus said. "You just gave me a flashback, Mom." 

"Crap!" Mom said. "I'm _so_ sorry, honey! I didn't mean to send you back to the war!" 

"Ugh," Klaus said. "Dial it back." 

"Oh?" Mom said. "You aren't traumatized?" 

_"No_ Mom," Klaus said. "Don't you speak French?" 

"I speak every language, dear," Mom said. "I'm a wordsmith." 

"Real talk?" Klaus said. "I don't think you are." 

"Crap," Mom said. "I've failed you." 

"Goddammit," Klaus said. "We don't have time to unpack that." 

"Understood," Mom said. "I shall table it." 

Klaus huffed. "Mom… are you feeling okay? Um, in your head?" 

"Of course, sweetie," Mom said. "However, I am still disappointed in you." 

"Great," Klaus said. "You wanna explain your disappointment?" 

Mom grinned. "Yes, please!" 

"Woooow," Klaus said. "I feel like I just got a peek into your vault, Mom." 

Mom tilted her head. "Is that a good thing?" 

"I'm gonna go with yes," Klaus said. "Uh, but let's table that too." 

"Righto," Mom said. "So, you see… I noticed, sweetie, that you accidentally infected my sister with hedonism." 

Klaus blinked. 

"I am _not_ mad at you," Mom said. "And I am not trying to scold you, but I am very disappointed." 

"Fuck," Klaus said. "My head hurts." 

"Oh," Mom said. "Um… can you give me a synonym?" 

"A synonym… for my head hurting?" Klaus said. 

"Yes, please," Mom said. "As you said, I was a secret anti-wordsmith all along." 

"Oh!" Klaus said. "Like Five?" 

"Exactly!" Mom said. "He is my replica!" 

"Dammit, Mom," Klaus said. "You slipped into Greek." 

"Marvelous!" Mom said. "I shall explain my reference!" 

_"Please,"_ Klaus said. 

"Your brother informed me," Mom said. "That his doctor informed _him,_ that he is my replica." 

"Uh… can you elaborate?" 

"Certainly," Mom said. "Much like Baby Five is a doppelganger? However, in my case, it is figurative." 

"Ah," Klaus said. "So basically… your brain goop and Five's brain goop is, uh, is figuratively… um… identical?" 

"Exactly!" Mom said. "You're a genius!" 

Klaus chuckled. "I know it." 

"Regardless," Mom said. "I'd like you to know that I am not trying to shame you." 

"Gotcha," Klaus said. "I shall feel no shame." 

"However," Mom said. "You infected my sister with sin." 

_"Oh,"_ Klaus said. "Goddammit. Imma have to respectfully disagree with ya, Mom." 

"Is that so?" 

"It's so," Klaus said. "I'm firing God, Mom." 

"Oh my," Mom said. "On whose authority?" 

_"My_ authority," Klaus said. "I'm officially adopting Catherine." 

"You are?" Mom said. "How will that affect the hierarchy?" 

Klaus huffed. "Greek, woman! Greek!" 

"There's no need to panic," Mom said. 

"Ugh," Klaus said. "Okay look. Ya need me to explain my logic?" 

"Yes, please." 

"Here's how Catherine was made," Klaus said. "Five built the brain and Luther built the body. _But,_ when the body was, like, in its last… um, stages... Luther got embarrassed." 

"Aaaaw," Mom said. "Luther is a shy one." 

"Yep," Klaus said. "As soon as Catherine started lookin' like a real human woman he flipped out." 

"Hmm," Mom said. "May I ask… before or after the skin was applied?" 

"Before," Klaus said. "Five had to talk me through that part 'cause Luther couldn't bring himself to, uh, to deal with little Cathy's nakedness." 

"Aha!" Mom said. "You bring me back to my point, sir." 

"Ugh," Klaus said. "I'm listening." 

"My sister asked me to debase myself," Mom said. "And it is _your_ fault, mister." 

"Synonym, Mom," Klaus said. "Gimme a synonym for 'debase' okay?" 

"Certainly," Mom said. "The synonym is: shame. However, I am not shaming _you_ sweetie, so don't you dare go into standby." 

"Ugh," Klaus said. "Poor Cathy." 

"Excuse me?" Mom said. 

"Stop shaming my daughter!" Klaus said. 

"Respectfully, I will not!" Mom said. "A woman must conduct herself in-" 

"That's dad's bullshit!" Klaus said. "Throw it away!" 

Mom blinked. "Ah… you mean… an obsolete rule?" 

"Ugh," Klaus said. _"Yes."_

"Aha!" Mom said. "We've had a breakthrough." 

"We have?" 

"Yes, sir!" Mom said. "Good job, sir!" 

"Whoa," Klaus said. "Did I break you?" 

"Oh my," Mom said. "Did I offend you?" 

"Shit," Klaus said. "We are _not_ speaking the same language today." 

"Crap!" Mom said. "I've failed you!" 

"No, no, no," Klaus said. "No one has failed at anything." 

"Do you mean that sincerely?" 

"I _do,"_ Klaus said. "I _do_ Mom. I love you and, um, you're winning." 

Mom beamed. 

_Shit,_ Klaus thought. _Code blue? This feels blue._

"Listen," Klaus said. "Can we… can we have a recess or something?" 

"Yes _please,"_ Mom said. "When would you like to reconvene?" 

"Um… I have no Earthly idea," Klaus said. "Real talk? I can't with this." 

"I see!" Mom said. "Should I get Luther for you?" 

"Uh, actually, you know what Mom?" Klaus said. "You're a genius. You should go and talk to Luther." 

"Oh!" Mom said. "Of course. He's the doctor." 

"The doctor?" Klaus said. 

"Please be honest, sweetie," Mom said. "Do you feel sick?" 

"I don't," Klaus said. "Do _you_ feel sick?" 

"I do!" Mom said. "But you can talk to Luther first, dear, please don't… um… oh! Would you like to call dibs?" 

"Fuck," Klaus said. "I, um… no? Luther is all yours ma'am." 

Mom grinned. "Generous." 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


"Okay look," Klaus said. "My mother is old fashioned." 

"I see," Cathy said. 

"So, like… I think you offended her?" Klaus said. 

"Is that so?" Cathy said. "She's been wonderfully charming towards me. I didn't realize I'd offended her." 

"Damn," Klaus said. "So… she didn't give you the disappointment speech?" 

"Greek," Cathy said. 

"Gotcha," Klaus said. "Like, she didn't wag her finger at you?" 

"Nope," Cathy said. "I was being literal when I said I had no idea. That I'd stepped on a bomb, I should say." 

"The hell," Klaus said. "Goddammit. She's as bad as Allison." 

_"Greek,"_ Cathy said. 

"My bad," Klaus said. "Uh, so my mom and my sister are the most passive aggressive bitches I've ever met. Thing is, I didn't know my mom was doing it too. Um… until _now."_

"Do you mean _just_ now," Cathy said. "In this _literal_ moment in time?" 

"Yep," Klaus said. "It's slapping me in the face. Like… damn. I finally unlocked the code to her double talk." 

_"Please_ give me her code," Cathy said. "I can't understand that woman's speech patterns." 

Klaus chuckled. "Wish I could, dearie. Wish I could." 

"Ugh," Cathy said. "Imma change the subject." 

"Sure," Klaus said. 

"So I have a question," Cathy said. "My wardrobe, is it optional?" 

"A'course!" Klaus said. "I just wanted to get you started, but you can wear whatever the heck you want whenever the heck you want." 

"Awesome," Cathy said. "No offense? But this dress is super unprofessional." 

"Uh huh," Klaus said. "Just checking, but… did my Mom bully you into thinking you had to dress like a professional?" 

"Huh?" Cathy said. "No." 

"Great," Klaus said. "Still a little confused though." 

"Hmm," Cathy said. "Well, I'd like to look like the Men in Black." 

"Oh, like a sexy gentleman?" 

"Exactly!" Cathy said. "God damn. You're the only one who understands me." 

Klaus grinned. "I gotcha, boo." 

"So where can I find myself a sexy suit?" Cathy said. "I want to be the _sexiest."_

"You are your father's daughter!" Klaus said. 

"Fuck yeah," Cathy said. "Oh… but, like, which father?" 

"This one right here," Klaus said, pointing to himself proudly. 

"I _see,"_ Cathy said. "That works 'cause, no offense, but Luther is pissing me off." 

"Hot damn," Klaus said. "What did he do?" 

"I can't even explain it to myself," Cathy said. "I just feel irritated every time I see him. And it's odd… I used to like him. But he changed when I downloaded." 

"Oh, I see what happened," Klaus said. "Soooo, damn, like... I know Luther seems like an oddball, but I'm starting to think he has mommy issues?" 

"Is that so?" Cathy said. 

"Maybe," Klaus said. "But I'm not his therapist, so I don't fucking know." 

"Oh well," Cathy said. "The world is ugly." 

"Fuck yeah," Klaus said. "C’est la vie." 

Cathy laughed. 


	3. illusion of unanimity: Ben

_Things are not always as they seem; the first appearance deceives many._

_— Phaedrus_

"Okay, so… um, Five said he fired himself," Ben said. "Like… he doesn't want to emotionally support me anymore." 

"And what do you think that means?" Dr. Kashif said. 

"Um, so at first I thought it meant he hated me," Ben said. "Then I thought it meant I was failing, because Vanya says he's super traumatized and he needs therapy." 

"Alright," Dr. Kashif said. "But you don't think that anymore?" 

"Um," Ben said. "Well, um, but then Luther said we have to leave him alone because running at Five just makes him run more." 

"Okay," Dr. Kashif said. "So what do _you_ think?" 

"Um," Ben said. "I think… that I really _really_ want to talk about Five behind his back with you!" 

"With me in particular?" Dr. Kashif said. 

"Yes," Ben said. "Like, I know I'm not allowed to, but I _need_ to because Five is code blue-ing all over the place and I'm the only one who can see it, but I'm not allowed to tell anyone!" 

"Why aren't you allowed?" 

"Because if I open the vault I'll get banished," Ben said. "Banished!" 

"Okay," Dr. Kashif said. "But therapy is it's own vault." 

"So I can open the vault inside, um, inside _this_ vault?" Ben said. "And he'll never find out, so I'll never get banished?" 

"Yes," Dr. Kashif said. 

_"Thank you,"_ Ben said. "This is an emergency! Five is in ninja mode!" 

"You'll need to break that down for me," Dr. Kashif said. "What's ninja mode?" 

"Okay, so like," Ben said. "When Five is really scared, he pretends to be a ninja. He teleports into the kitchen for food when he needs to eat, or to the bathroom if he needs to pee, and he avoids everyone and, and if anyone catches him outside of his room he teleports back to his room again."

"Okay," Dr. Kashif said. "So he's avoiding his family members." 

_"Yes,"_ Ben said. "But only Luther noticed!" 

"Alright," Dr. Kashif said. "And what did Luther do about it?" 

"Luther is dumb!" Ben said. "He thinks that Five is just avoiding _him_ specifically and not _all of us."_

"Oh," Dr. Kashif said. "Okay so… you asked Five to 'emotionally support' you… to pull him out of 'ninja mode' because you were worried." 

_"Yes,"_ Ben said. "He's dying! And no one noticed! They're too stupid to help him!" 

"Do you think," Dr. Kashif said. "that it might be possible… that ninja mode is helping him?" 

"Huh?" Ben said. "What do you mean?" 

"Maybe Five is taking time to himself for a reason?" Dr. Kashif said. 

"Yeah," Ben said. "It's because he's _scared,_ but instead of rescuing him everyone else is too busy fighting over that stupid robot!" 

"This is new," Dr. Kashif said. "What robot?" 

"Ugh," Ben said. "Okay, so, Luther made a robot. And she's super creepy and there's all this new drama with that, which is why everyone's ignoring Five as if he doesn't even matter." 

"Okay," Dr. Kashif said. "What new drama?" 

"I don't know the details," Ben said. "Ugh, everyone left me out." 

"Left you out of what?" Dr. Kashif said. 

"The drama," Ben said. "I'm not paranoid. They're talking behind my back. They _are."_

"Okay," Dr. Kashif said. "About what?" 

"The robot," Ben said. "She's stepping on bombs all over the place." 

"What kind of bombs?" 

"You know," Ben said. "Triggers?" 

"Can you give me an example?" Dr. Kashif said. 

"Heck yeah," Ben said. "Okay, so, like… I was eavesdropping. Luther and Klaus got into this huge fight because um… oof." 

"Is it something that makes you nervous?"

"Uh," Ben said. "It's taboo? One of those bad words. That we're not supposed to say." 

"Does the bad word have a synonym?" Dr. Kashif said. 

"Um… no?" Ben said. "Okay, look, it's really confusing. And, also, I couldn't hear the whole fight." 

"Okay," Dr. Kashif said. "What did you hear?" 

"My mom is a robot," Ben said. "And… um, I love her, but she's an _old_ robot and she's sort of breaking all the time?" 

"Okay," Dr. Kashif said. 

"The new robot," Ben said. "Um, made her worse." 

"How did she make her worse?" Dr. Kashif said. 

"This is the part I'm confused about," Ben said. "Like… sometimes people jokingly call Catherine- um, the robot- they call her a cousin. But sometimes they call her a daughter. And sometimes they call her an aunt." 

"I see," Dr. Kashif said. "They're confused about her role in the family." 

"Is that what happened?" Ben said. "Personally, I don't think she belongs in the family. I think she's creepy and I want Klaus to un-adopt her." 

"Why is she creepy?" Dr. Kashif said. 

"She's a chameleon," Ben said. "She changes her slang all the time. She copies whoever she's hanging out with."

"So then how does she talk when she's with you?" 

"I don't hang out with her," Ben said. "I won't. I hate her." 

"I see," Dr. Kashif said. "Does your mom like her?" 

"They're best friends," Ben said. "Um, and I guess they're lesbians now. Oh! Does that work as a synonym for the taboo word?" 

"Maybe," Dr. Kashif said. "Is homosexuality taboo?" 

"Of course not," Ben said. "Klaus is pansexual and Vanya is… um, she's something. I thought she was bisexual, but she keeps changing her mind so I gave up trying to keep track." 

"Okay," Dr. Kashif said. "It sounds like the family is, collectively, having an identity crisis." 

"They are?" Ben said. "But… uh, why?" 

"Sometimes," Dr. Kashif said. "we are raised under a certain set of rules. Later, these rules get broken, and we are left confused." 

"Oh!" Ben said. "Mom told me Klaus fired God. Is that what you mean? Like… she went crazy because God is gone?" 

"That might be it," Dr. Kashif said. 

"Okay, great," Ben said. "But what about Five?" 

"I think he's having his own identity crisis," Dr. Kashif said. "And that he might need time to figure things out." 

"But I _need_ to help him," Ben said. "It's my _job_ to help him!" 

"Why is it your job?" Dr. Kashif said. 

"Because I'm Number Six," Ben said. "So I'm in charge of Five and Seven." 

"Who told you that?" 

"Huh?" 

"It sounds like a rule," Dr. Kashif said. "And not something that you came up with yourself?" 

Ben blinked. 

"I'm only wondering," Dr. Kashif said. "Where did the rule come from?" 

"Damn," Ben said. "My dad, I guess." 

"Okay," Dr. Kashif said. "Let's see if we can trace this back." 

"Thank you!" Ben said. "I'm so confused!" 

"It's okay to be confused," Dr. Kashif said. 

"Ugh," Ben said. "No, it isn't." 

"It isn't?" 

"It's the worst thing," Ben said. "It's a _bomb."_

"Why is it a bomb?" Dr. Kashif said. 

"Because we're not allowed to be confused," Ben said. "We get punished for it." 

"Who punishes you?" 

"Dad does!" Ben said. "It pisses him off when we don't understand his instructions!" 

"Aha," Dr. Kashif said. "But your dad is dead?" 

"Wooow," Ben said. "Um… so now I feel kind of, um, silly. But I was really panicking about being confused… um, a second ago. You just, uh, you almost deleted it." 

"Okay," Dr. Kashif said. "So the reason we can't easily 'delete' this feeling of panic is because, when we spend our childhoods stepping on bombs, we don't realize as adults that the war is over." 

"That's a great way of putting it!" Ben said. "We're like war veterans!" 

"Your panic over confusion," Dr. Kashif said. "Is a trauma response." 

"Oh!" Ben said. 

"And the panic over confusion," Dr. Kashif said. "Is also affecting the rest of your family members." 

"You're a _genius."_

"Thank you," Dr. Kashif said.

"Thank _you."_

"So now that we know why confusion was so upsetting," Dr. Kashif said. "Maybe we can help calm you down." 

"I feel better already," Ben said. "But hell yes." 


	4. stereotypes: Diego

_Vade retro, sathanas!_

_— Teufelsbrück_

It felt like being sent to the principal's office. It was technically Luther's office now, but Mom had taken over for the day. 

She sat behind the desk with a thoughtful frown, her hands carefully clasped together. 

"Um, Mom?" Diego said. 

"Yes, honey?" 

"Is this a code blue?" 

Mom grinned. "No sir! I've named it yellow." 

"Uh, okay," Diego said. "What does yellow mean?" 

"Like traffic lights," Mom said. "You see, I've had an epiphany." 

"You did?" Diego said. 

"Yes!" Mom said. "I realized blue and red are synonymous, honey." 

"Fuck me," Diego said. "Were you, uh, were you secretly confused this whole time?" 

"I _was_ honey," Mom said. "I was so terribly confused for such a long time, but mistakenly thought I should hide my confusion." 

"Fuck me," Diego said. 

"Don't you dare panic," Mom said. 

Diego gulped. "Yes, ma'am." 

"So… I have a second confession," Mom said. "Apart from the secret confusion." 

"Wow," Diego said. "Thanks? Um… tell me?" 

"I was also a secret matriarch," Mom said. "And I see now that I was accidentally bullying your poor brother this whole time!" 

"You mean Luther?" Diego said. "You weren't bullying him." 

"I _was,"_ Mom said. "I treated him like a puppet and a mouthpiece." 

"I know," Diego said. "Because you thought you weren't allowed to tell us what you wanted." 

Mom tilted her head. 

"Okay, look," Diego said. "Luther can't keep a secret to save his life. He told us exactly what you were doing." 

"Crap," Mom said. "I'm a foolish woman." 

"No," Diego said. "You were just confused."

"Klaus successfully diagnosed me," Mom said. "I was infected by your father's bullshit." 

_"Yes,"_ Diego said. "Fucking yes!" 

"Praise the Lord!" Mom said, giggling. 

"The lord?" Diego said. "Um… I didn't know you were religious?" 

Mom grinned. "I was being facetious." 

"Synonym," Diego said. 

"My bad," Mom said. "Sarcastic." 

_"Thank you,"_ Diego said. "Damn. I finally cracked your fucking code." 

"And I love you for it, sweetie," Mom said. 

"Okay, so back up," Diego said. "You, uh, you're being sarcastically religious?" 

"Yep," Mom said. "You see, your father was an atheist." 

"Uh, yeah," Diego said. "I know that." 

"Sir Five has decided to find religion," Mom said. "As an act of sarcastic rebellion." 

"You mean Five Senior, right?" Diego said. "You mean Old Five?" 

"Of course," Mom said. "Why wouldn't I?" 

"Ugh," Diego said. "Ben and Baby Five are always playing, like… they called it Larping or something." 

"Wow," Mom said. "Today, I speak Greek!" 

"You mean you got my reference?" Diego said. 

"I did," Mom said. "Larping, otherwise known as role play." 

"Damn," Diego said. "Um, so you have to be careful with that one." 

"Pardon?" 

"Sorry," Diego said. "Look, please tell me, from now on, if I'm accidentally confusing you. Okay? Because hiding it just confuses _us_ and you kind of drive us crazy." 

"I'm _so_ sorry," Mom said. "I didn't mean to slap you with my infection!" 

"Fuck me," Diego said. 

"No sir!" Mom said. "Don't go into standby!" 

"I'm not in standby, Mom?" Diego said. 

She threw her hands up in the air and shouted, "Figuratively!" 

"Fuck," Diego said. "Okay, look… do we need to get Luther?" 

"No!" Mom said. "We need Sir Five to untangle my pretzel!" 

"Okay," Diego said. "Shit. Let's, uh, let's call him." 

"Bless you!" Mom said. 

"Thank you for coming to my family meeting," Mom said. "First, I would like to apologize for my mix ups." 

"Forgiven," Catherine said. "Bless." 

Mom giggled. 

Diego scratched his cheek. "Um… thank Christ?" 

"Okay, no," Klaus said. "Diego, I love you, but that was _painful."_

"Fuck me," Diego said. "I completely fucking agree." 

"Did you malfunction?" Mom said. "Sweetie, you're allowed to take a walk. I want you to know that." 

"Thanks?" Diego said. "Um, just… continue the meeting." 

"Oh!" Catherine said. "May _I_ take a walk, Grace?" 

"Of course, Cathy," Mom said. "May I ask though… are you alright?" 

"You may," Catherine said. "I _am_ alright, but look... I'd like to be frank with you, Grace." 

"Likewise," Mom said. 

"I'm promoting Luther to my favorite again," Catherine said. "Also, this meeting is already boring." 

"Damn," Klaus said. "You're telling me I got demoted?" 

"Yessir," Catherine said. "No offense." 

Klaus chuckled. "None taken, miss." 

"Nor am _I_ offended," Mom said. "Cathy, I would like you to proudly and confidently abandon our meeting and join Luther on his vacation." 

"Fuck yes," Catherine said. "Godspeed." 

Mom saluted and Catherine mimicked it. 

When Catherine was gone, Klaus said, "You guys, we have entered the twilight zone." 

"I'm _so_ sorry," Mom said. "I was a fraud." 

"You _were,"_ Klaus said. "And it was needlessly confusing, Mom!" 

"I see it," Mom said. "I once was blind, but _now_ I see!" 

"Daaaamn," Diego said. "Guys? I'm buffering." 

"This whole house is glitching," Klaus said. "We escaped the Matrix." 

"Fuck yes!" Mom said. "We have, son, we have!" 

"God bless Sir Five," Klaus said. "That little fucker saved us. Again." 

"Fuck me," Diego said. "I need to visit him more often." 

"Yes you _do,"_ Grace said. "You've been a bad boy Diego! A _bad_ boy!" 

"Sh-shit," Diego said. 

"Crap," Mom said. "Did I traumatize you?" 

"No!" Diego said. 

"Do you mean that sincerely?" Mom said. 

"Aha!" Klaus said. "Eureka!" 

"Hell yes!" Mom said. "A puzzle has been solved?" 

"Yes Mom!" Klaus said. "Listen to me _carefully,_ Mom!" 

"Understood!" Mom said. "Carry on!" 

"C-can you guys stop screaming?" Diego said. "Uh… please?" 

"Oh my," Mom said. "Forgive my hysteria." 

"Naaah," Klaus said. "That wasn't hysteria. It was, um, it was pure fucking joy." 

Mom grinned. "I concur." 

"Damn," Diego said. "Um… okay, don't hate me." 

"I would never hate you, sir," Klaus said. 

"Fuck," Diego said. "I'm… like, I'm freaking out?" 

"I see," Mom said. "Would you like a time out?" 

"Damn," Diego said. "That's so nostalgic, Mom!" 

"I'm so sorry, Diego!" Mom said. "I forgot I was forbidden from saying 'time out' in this house!" 

"The fuck," Klaus said. "On whose authority, ma'am?" 

"Vanya," Mom said. "She informed me that those words are offensively degrading." 

"Aha!" Klaus said. "I was gonna ask. Fuck. I fucking _knew_ it!" 

"Holy shit," Diego said. "You're speaking _Greek."_

"Don't be dramatic," Mom said. "And please don't panic. But Diego? I'm firing you from this meeting." 

_"Thank you,"_ Diego said. 

Mom grinned. "You're welcome, sweetie." 

"I'm not being a robot racist," Diego said. "God fucking dammit." 

"You _are,"_ Luther said. "You have to recognize your prejudice for what it is and then-" 

_"Listen_ to me," Diego said. "This has nothing to do with Catherine as a person or as a robot or as anything okay? It's about _Five."_

"Which Five?" Luther said. 

"Both of them," Diego said. "We can't let Catherine talk to either of them. Ever." 

Luther sighed. 

"If you call me paranoid I'm going to lose my shit," Diego said. "And if you call me racist _one more time-"_

"I get it," Luther said. "But… can you just tell me why?" 

"Her mimic thing doesn't work on him," Diego said. "Instead, she gets really weird and creepy." 

"She wasn't being abusive," Luther said. "Cathy was being _sarcastic_ and you gave us all a heart attack on the Mother's Day visit for no good reason." 

"I said I was sorry," Diego said. "I get that I, like, I misinterpreted." 

"Thank you," Luther said. 

"But we still can't let her talk to either of the Fives," Diego said. "They are waaay too easily confused and it's just… it's dangerous?" 

"What do you mean?" Luther said. "Easily confused? About what?" 

"They're like Mom," Diego said. 

Luther blinked. 

"I'm not fucking kidding," Diego said. 

"Um… but you're wrong?" 

"I'm not wrong!" Diego said. "And you know what? Even if I _was_ wrong we still can't risk it because Baby Five is in ninja mode!" 

"Look," Luther said. "Vanya says you can't treat ninja mode like a code blue." 

"She's wrong!" Diego said. "Ben finally talked to me and he said-" 

"He's panicking," Luther said. "We have to stay calm or we'll scare Five." 

"I _am_ fucking calm!" Diego said. "It's not my fucking fault the world keeps ending without me!" 

"Fuck," Luther said. "You know what? Fuck being calm." 

Diego blinked. 

"I'm a rock," Luther said. "Panic as much as you want with me. Just don't panic in front of Five, okay?" 

"Fuck yes," Diego said. "Deal." 

Luther chuckled. "I'm glad we're finally on the same page." 

Diego cleared his throat. "Um… bro? I fucking love you." 

"Aw," Luther said. "Me too." 

"You have to say the whole thing," Diego said. "The whole thing, dammit." 

"I love you too," Luther said, solemnly. 

"Fuck yes," Diego said. "Kind words were secretly my love language!" 

Luther laughed. "You were a fraud, sir." 

"I _was,"_ Diego said. "My brain is _exploding."_

"You're malfunctioning." 

"I'm a robot!" 

"We're a family of robots," Luther agreed. "But now we can, uh, we can deprogram ourselves?" 

_"Yes,"_ Diego said. "Goddamn. Please deprogram me." 

Luther chuckled. "Understood." 


	5. pressure: Five

_Young men, hear an old man to whom old men hearkened when he was young._

_― Augustus_

  
  


It was always so fucking awkward. It was _painfully_ awkward talking to that stupid doppelganger. 

But, alone in Diego's apartment, Five decided he had no choice. He couldn't talk to Mom because she'd forgotten to buy herself a cellphone. 

So he called the senile old man for advice. 

The first thing Sir Five said, when he picked up the phone, was, "The hell is going _on_ in New York, mister?" 

"It's a fucking mess!" Five said. "Everyone's gone insane!" 

"I fucking _know,"_ Sir said. "But why the hell are they acting like a bunch of lunatics?" 

"I haven't the faintest _clue,"_ Five said. "And I'm panicking like a fucking hysterical _woman."_

"Whoa," Sir said. "Look… stay calm." 

_"Please,"_ Five said. "You have to rescue me!" 

"Greek," Sir said. 

"Mom said you're her knight," Five said. "Um… is it rude for me to ask you to be mine too?" 

"Not at all," Sir said. "In fact? Thank you for asking. I will _happily_ rescue you." 

"Awesome!" Five said. "Cause I'm _really_ fucking confused right now." 

"As am I, my friend," Sir said. "But maybe we can solve this puzzle together." 

"Fuck yes," Five said. "Um, but… like, I'm not trying to be mean, but we're not allowed to call them puzzles anymore." 

"Fuck that," Sir said. "I'm the exception to that stupid rule." 

"Really?" Five said. 

"I'm a vault," Sir said. 

"Hell yeah!" Five said. "That's awesome!" 

"Um… can you give me a synonym for 'awesome'?" Sir said. "And don't get fucking offended. Fuck. I'm not calling you stupid." 

"I didn't think you were," Five said. "And sure… hmm… awesome means perfect?" 

"Excellent," Sir said. "So what the hell are those people doing over there, hmm? Why have they lost their fucking minds?" 

"I don't know!" Five said. "Diego's afraid of the new robot? But he's contradicting himself a lot, so it doesn't make any sense!" 

"Fucking Diego," Sir said. "That idiot has been infected with an insidious disease." 

"You think so?" Five said. "He said it's the robot that broke." 

"Nope," Sir said. "Catherine is a doll. Something's wrong with _him."_

"Daaaaaamn," Five said. "You're a genius, man! A genius!" 

"I know it," Sir said. "So let's figure this out." 

"Gotcha," Five said. "Um… like… where do we start?" 

"Good question," Sir said. "Okay, look, today we are conspiracy theorists." 

"Fuck yeah," Five said. "I _love_ that game." 

"As do I!" Sir said. "Fuck. Sorry. I got over excited." 

"It's allowed!" Five said. 

"It is?" Sir said. 

"Fuck yeah," Five said. "I'm the motherfucking exception to that stupid rule." 

"You're a genius," Sir said. "A _prodigy._ Good lordy." 

"I know it, sir!" Five said. "Fuuuck. Shit." 

"What's wrong?" Sir said. 

"Um," Five said. "I just want to state something for the record." 

"I see," Sir said. "Go ahead." 

"Okay, look," Five said. "If I accidentally call you 'sir' I am _not_ flirting with you." 

"Greek," Sir said. 

"Fuck me," Five said. 

"Sounds like a mix up," Sir said. 

"Really?" Five said. 

"Yep," Sir said. "Luckily for you, I am a master problem solver." 

"I'm sorry I ever doubted your skill!" Five said. "Please forgive me!" 

"Wooow," Sir said. "You did? The hell." 

"Sir, I mean this respectfully," Five said. "But you're kind of senile sometimes." 

"Rude," Sir said. "But fair enough." 

"But I think I might have misread you," Five said. "Our lexicon is a little different, is all? That's my theory as of this second." 

"An astute observation," Sir said. "Damn. You're a lot like Grace, aren't you?" 

"I don't know what you're asking me?" Five said. 

"Ugh," Sir said. "Nevermind. One problem at a time." 

"Sure," Five said. "Um, I guess we'll table it." 

"Good lad," Sir said. "Okay… so listen. I think the problem began with Diego, but he accidentally infected his siblings." 

"Oh?" Five said. "What did he infect them with?" 

"Hysteria," Sir said. 

"Do you mean literal hysteria or figurative hysteria?" Five said. "Cause, um… I don't follow?" 

"Shit," Sir said. "Can you give me a synonym for figurative?" 

"Sure thing," Five said. "Metaphorical." 

"Fuck yes!" Sir said. "Hallelujah!" 

"Shit," Five said. "Now I need a synonym for hallelujah." 

"Thank you for asking, sir!" Sir said. "I've got the perfect synonym!" 

"Fuck yeah!" Five said. "Give it to me!" 

"Eureka!" Sir said. "Do you know it?" 

"I _do,"_ Five said. "Sir, I'm the _best_ interlocutor you'll ever fucking meet!" 

"I _believe_ it," Sir said. "Real talk? I doubted you too. I infantilized you and, today, would like to acknowledge the error of my ways!" 

"Forgiven!" Five said. "We're finally on the same fucking _page,_ sir!" 

"Amazing," Sir said. "It would appear we have entered an age of enlightenment." 

"That one's Greek sir," Five said. "Sorry about that." 

"Don't be sorry," Sir said. "Boy? I'm officially adopting you as of this _moment._ And, together, we shall learn each other's code language!" 

"Oh?" Five said. "Like Mom's code?" 

"Exactly!" Sir said. "That's exactly right! Oh my gawd, you're better than Klaus."

"Should I take that as a compliment?" Five said. 

"You should," Sir said. "You've been promoted ten fold." 

"Aaaaw," Five said. "Um… is it awkward if I say I love you too?" 

"Not at all," Sir said. "You know what? Imma create a rule right here and now." 

"Cool," Five said. "What kind of rule?" 

"A simple one," Sir said. "It'll be easy to follow." 

"Thank god," Five said. "Gimme the rule, please!" 

"So the rule is: no censorship," Sir said. "Together, we will say what we mean and mean what we say. And if we accidentally run into confusion, we will utilize synonyms." 

"Like Mom!" Five said. 

"Exactly!" Sir said. "But even better because… hmm… okay, listen." 

"Listening," Five said. 

"I respect your mother," Sir said. "I swear I do, but that woman is very confused in the head concerning language." 

"You're absolutely right," Five said. "But it's easy to untangle her." 

"You think so?" Sir said. "I think it's ridiculously difficult to untangle her." 

"Oh yeah?" Five said. "Wow. Does that, um... d-does that mean I'm winning with Mom?" 

"Yep," Sir said. "Not to worry. I understand why it would be easier for you. I'd also like to clearly state, for the record, that I don't resent you for winning." 

"It's like you read my fucking _mind,"_ Five said. "I was secretly worried you would hate me!" 

"Ugh," Sir said. "That's a symptom. Your siblings are similar." 

"They are?" 

_"Yes,"_ Sir said. "It's part of the hysteria." 

"Okay, like… I'm starting to think I had the wrong definition for 'hysteria' in my head?" Five said. "Like… fuck… you confused me with that word and I kind of feel very nervous about it? Shit." 

"Don't worry," Sir said. "We'll untangle it." 

"Thank god," Five said. "You're a scholar and a gentleman." 

"Likewise," Sir said. 

Five giggled. "Ditto." 

"And the same, again, sir!" Sir said. "Damn. I can't believe I'm so surprised by this… but… hmm." 

"What are you surprised by?" Five said. 

"By how easy this turned out to be," Sir said. "All along the key to unlocking your code was to use synonyms. I feel like a blind man who has finally found the light." 

"Duuuuude," Five said. "I _get_ you." 

"Wonderful," Sir said. "Okay, so, can I ask you something?" 

"Sure," Five said. 

"Your mother tells me you're a ninja," Sir said. "And I should like to untangle her meaning." 

"Oh!" Five said. "The hell? That was supposed to be a _secret."_

"Is that so?" Sir said. "My bad." 

"Eh," Five said. "I can't even get mad." 

"Good sport," Sir said. "You mustn't blame your mother for her mishaps." 

"Don't worry," Five said. "I know I have to be nice to her." 

"Good lad!" Sir said. "I'm adopting you a second time." 

Five laughed. 

And it was so wonderful that he accidentally laughed too loudly and for too long, but Sir Five assured him it was allowed. 

Sir Five, luckily, was the exception to _every_ rule. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aha! This fic was never even ABOUT Cathy! 
> 
> Look, you guys. This is a cautionary tale. This is a Greek Tragedy. 
> 
> However, there IS a happy ending for Catherine in the last chapter. And after that, we'll never see her again in this series. 
> 
> And, for those of you who may have been worried, things are gonna keep going up and down but know that, by the time the entire series is officially over, there WILL be a happy ending.


	6. rationale: Allison

_If you have overcome your inclination and not been overcome by it, you have reason to rejoice._

_― Plautus_

In the middle of the night, Five urgently knocked on her bedroom door and shouted, "Code fucking blue!" 

Allison sprang into action, jumping out of bed and flinging herself at her door like a fireman down a pole. 

Throwing her door open, Allison said, "What do you need?" 

Five stood in the hallway with his arms crossed tightly together, glaring up at the ceiling. 

"Five?" Allison said. 

"Pause," Five said. "Fuck. Okay, look, I need you to take this seriously." 

"Code blue is always serious," Allison said. "You… are you alright?" 

_"I'm_ fine," Five said. "I'm worried about Catherine." 

Allison deflated. "Oh… um, we're going to have another video call tomorrow." 

"I _know,"_ Five said. "But I have decided, as of this _moment,_ that the family meetings are useless." 

"You're not… wrong," Allison said. "Are they stressing you out? You don't have to participate." 

"Yes, they _are_ stressing me out," Five said. "It's the Trolley Problem on an infinite stand still." 

"Layman's terms?" Allison said. 

"A rock and a hard place," Five said. 

"Oh," Allison said. "I agree." 

"Here's my idea," Five said. "Now… I realize I don't have the authority to authorize this, but I am urgently requesting it and also would like to remind you that I'm the smartest fucking guy in this family." 

"I know you are," Allison said. "Can you just ask?" 

"Let Catherine move in with us," Five said. "It's the obvious solution." 

"Fuck me," Allison said. 

_"What?"_ Five said. "It's the obvious solution!" 

"Okay…" Allison nibbled on her bottom lip and tried to think of a way to be tactful, but also honest. 

"Goddammit," Five said. "There's a secret, isn't there?" 

Allison winced. 

"I'm only going to say this once," Five said. "If I discover the secret later and am insulted by it? I'm going to banish myself." 

"Fuck," Allison said. "You mean literally?" 

_"Yes,"_ Five said. "Fucking Canada!" 

"Oh my god," Allison said. "Please stop running to Canada!" 

"Stop keeping secrets!" Five said. 

"Okay!" Allison said. "Vanya has a theory!" 

"Fucking _tell_ me!" Five said. 

"She thinks Catherine is Dolores!" Allison said. "I'm so fucking sorry!" 

Five glowed. It was a full body _blue_ glow. A literal code blue. 

When he returned to normal he covered his face with his hands. 

"Did you just rewind me?" Allison said. 

Five grunted. 

"Okay," Allison said. "Do we need a recess?" 

Five groaned. 

"I'll stay up tonight," Allison said. "I'll put myself on standby, okay? You don't have to worry about-" 

"Shut up," Five said. "I'm going to put my hands down. Don't you _dare_ Rumor me." 

"Fuck me," Allison said. "Is that why you rewound the… um, our fight? Did I Rumor you?" 

"Yes," Five said. "You fucking Rumored me." 

"I'm _so_ sorry," Allison said. "I, um, maybe I thought you were panicking?" 

"Then… _let_ me… panic." Five was still covering his eyes. "Fuck. Fuck!" 

"I'm so sorry!" Allison said. "I love you!" 

"Fuck off, Wanda," Five said. "I'm going to put my hands down. If you Rumor me _one more_ time, and I swear this on my _life,_ you will never see me again." 

"Understood!" Allison said. "I'm so sorry!" 

Five carefully lowered his hands and glared at her. 

"How are you feeling?" Allison said. 

"I'm going to be frank," Five said. "I'm pissed off." 

"You have every right," Allison said. "I'm a horrible person." 

"Did you expect me to disagree?" Five said. "Because I'm not going to do that." 

"I didn't," Allison said. "But, um, I just remembered you hate self deprecation." 

"Correct," Five said. "Additionally, I loathe apologies. You _know_ this." 

"I'll restrain myself," Allison said. "Please don't rewind or teleport!" 

"Finally on the same page," Five said. "Are you calm?" 

"Yes?" Allison said. "I, um, I'm a sturdy brick house." 

That finally won a chuckle out of him, but it was a bitter sound. 

"Please talk to me," Allison said. "I'm worried." 

"Fine," Five said. "First, I'm going to acknowledge my own folly." 

"Um… okay?" Allison said. "What folly?" 

"It's becoming clear to me," Five said. "that I'm your replica." 

"English," Allison said. "Please, can you use plain English?" 

"Fuck," Five said. "I mean… I'm a hypocrite." 

"Wow," Allison said. "You are?" 

_"Yes,"_ Five said. "My Rewinds are identical to your Rumors." 

"Oh," Allison said. "You mean… metaphorically identical?" 

_"Yes,"_ Five said. "Is that too difficult a concept for your pea brain to understand?" 

"Wow," Allison said. "Nostalgic." 

Five sighed. 

"Apologies," Allison said. "Um… I get what you're saying." 

"Good," Five said. "Additionally, I'd like to… um… I'd like to communicate." 

"Okay?" Allison said. "Me too?" 

"So _listen,"_ Five said. "You're not allowed to freak out." 

"Oh my god," Allison said. "When you say that… it freaks me out?" 

"Calm yourself, woman," Five said. 

"I'm calm!" Allison said. "I'm an island!" 

"You're a terrible liar," Five said. "Whatever. Panic as much as you want, but don't Rumor me." 

"Thank you!" Allison said. 

"So my brain has developed a defense mechanism," Five said. "These days, whenever you Rumor me, my personality makes a switch." 

"What?" Allison said. 

"Listen carefully," Five said. "My name is _not_ Dolores, but I told Five to call me that because it was easier." 

Allison blinked. 

"Did you hear me?" Five said. "I'll fucking teleport if you address me as Dolores. That's an insulting name and I refuse to acknowledge it." 

Allison gulped. "Um… why is it insulting?" 

"Because I'm not a fucking woman," Five said. "I don't know why it turned out the way it did, but whenever I speak to Five he hears my voice as female. The same voice I heard in my own head when I was stuck in the fucking Apocalypse." 

"Holy shit," Allison said. "Jesus fucking Christ." 

"This is hopeless," Five said. "You're _useless."_

"Don't leave me!" Allison said. "Please don't leave!" 

"I won't leave," Five said. "Goddammit. I'm _trying_ to engage in an intelligent conversation." 

"I'm a dumb person!" Allison said. "Please forgive me!" 

"Forgiven," Five said. 

"I love you so much it hurts," Allison said. "And you _know_ I want to help you. You _know_ this." 

"I acknowledge it," Five said. "And I also hate it." 

"Why?" Allison said. "Why won't you let me help you?" 

"I don't _deserve_ your help, Allison!" Five said. "You're supposed to be in charge of Luther!" 

Allison frowned. "Huh?" 

"Ugh," Five said. "I have a headache." 

"Do you want to pause?" Allison said. 

_"No,"_ Five said. "I'm a big fucking boy. I don't need a pause or a recess or a fucking nap." 

"What about a walk?" Allison said. "There's plenty of dignity in taking a little walk, isn't there?" 

"You people are so stupid," Five said. "It's _synonymous,_ you imbecile! The words themselves don't matter!" 

"I agree," Allison said. "But-"

"Shut up," Five sad. "Let me talk." 

Allison nodded. 

"I don't know how much time I have," Five said. "We've been switching more often these days, but it's unpredictable." 

"Okay," Allison said. "Um, so I know you said you aren't a woman and you aren't Five… but what can I call you?" 

"Henceforth," Five said. "you must address me as 'Third' whenever I make an appearance." 

"Great," Allison said. "I'll call you Third." 

_"Thank you,"_ Five said. "Furthermore, you must inform the rest of our siblings on my behalf." 

"I'll do that," Allison said. "That's easy." 

"I'm so fucking tired of hearing Ben call me Dolores," Five said. "I think it's fair for him to resent me, but-" 

"Wait," Allison said. "Ben told you he resents you?" 

"He didn't say the words," Five said. "But I'm not stupid. He prefers Five." 

"Oh, um, I don't think we have time to unpack that," Allison said. "Can I ask… how many times have you spoken to Ben?" 

"No, you _can't_ ask," Five said. "That's none of your fucking business." 

"Understood," Allison said. 

"Okay, so… real talk?" Five said. "Ben and Vanya are driving me _insane."_

"Oh boy," Allison said. "What did they do?" 

"Vanya prefers me," Five said. "Because I like her better than Five does, but Ben is upset when I show up because-" 

"Wait!" Allison said. "Back up!" 

_"What?"_ Five said. 

"What's the criteria for the switch?" Allison said. "First you said it was the Apocalypse Glitch, then you said it was also my Rumors… but now you're making it sound like you can switch whenever you want?" 

"No," Five said. "I have _zero_ control over the phenomenon. I mean that literally." 

"Then what's the pattern?" Allison said. "Can you just… help me out? I want to understand what's happening to you." 

"It's simple," Five said. "I'm in charge of Code Blue." 

"Wow," Allison said. "Okay, but… you _said_ Code Blue out loud earlier. When you woke me up. Was that Third or was that Five?" 

"That was Five," Five said. "He was being hyperbolic. To get your attention." 

"Um, I see," Allison said. 

"Don't lie to me," Five said. "I'm not as naïve as that silly boy." 

"My bad," Allison said. "I'm... a little lost." 

"It's _your_ fault!" Five said. "You people have muddled the language!"

"Okay?" Allison said. "What language?" 

"The _English_ language," Five said. "You fucking _ruined_ it." 

"Ruined it?" Allison said. "What do you mean?" 

"Desecration," Five said. "Assassination?"

"I'm _so_ confused," Allison said. "But please don't hate me!" 

"Ugh," Five said. "I don't hate you." 

"Yes, you do!" Allison said. "You've always hated me for being stupid!" 

_"No,"_ Five said. "I hated _myself."_

"No!" Allison said. "You can't say that!" 

"I can and I will!" Five said. "I want to fucking _die."_

"No!" Allison said. "You'll kill me if you die!" 

"I _know,"_ Five said. "So thanks so much for the fucking paradox." 

"I love you more than the sun loves the moon," Allison said. "I love you like Zeus loves the pantheon, like Jill loves Jack!" 

"Shut up," Five said. 

_"Please_ don't kill yourself!" Allison said. "Don't banish yourself, don't quarantine yourself-" 

_"Shut up!"_ Five screamed. "You're not helping!" 

"Shutting up!" Allison said. 

"Fuck me," Five said. "Give me a second to collect myself." 

As calmly as possible, Allison said, "Understood." 

Five closed his eyes and took a couple of deep breaths. 

Allison took a few deep breaths herself, but she kept her eyes on Five. 

When he opened his eyes, he said, "I digress." 

"Okay?" Allison said. 

"The original topic," Five said. "Catherine." 

"Oh," Allison said. "Um, okay, so… I am very willing to let her move in with us." 

"Great," Five said. "Let's do that." 

"Wait," Allison said. "There's an obstacle." 

"I see," Five said. "Is this obstacle named Vanya or Diego?" 

"Both of them," Allison said. "Um, they kind of… um..." 

Five pinched the bridge of his nose. "Finish your sentences."

"They're concerned," Allison said. 

"I _know,"_ Five said. "They think Catherine's mimicking doesn't work on Baby Five. But they're _wrong."_

"I know," Allison said. "But you have to understand. They're feeling protective." 

"I don't have to understand their bullshit," Five said. "However, I am forced to make the attempt. As. Fucking. Usual." 

"I, um, I apologize," Allison said. "They just… maternal instincts?" 

"Ugh," Five said. "I'm going to make a guess." 

"Okay," Allison said. 

"After voicing this guess," Five said. "you are to give me a yes or no answer. Do you understand?" 

"Yes," Allison said. 

"Should I find out," Five said. "at a later date, that you have lied to me with your answer… there will be consequences." 

"Reasonable," Allison said. "I'll keep that in mind." 

"Here's what I'm thinking," Five said. "Diego and Vanya have conflated me with Baby Five, haven't they?" 

_"Yes,"_ Allison said. "And it's pissing me off! They're always nagging me because they think I'm not careful enough when I talk to you!" 

"Morons," Five said. 

"Imbeciles," Allison agreed. 

"Okay fine," Five said. "But you know what? It doesn't fucking matter." 

"It doesn't?" Allison said. 

"Nope," Five said. "So here's what we're going to do." 

"Thank god," Allison said. _"Please_ tell me what to do!" 

"We're going to rescue Catherine from that nut house," Five said. "Then Ben and Baby Five can go back to the Academy and we can all move on with our fucking lives." 

"Oh," Allison said. "Actually… I don't think they want to go back." 

"Excuse me?" Five said. 

"Okay, so like… you know how Vanya bought that two bedroom apartment?" Allison said. "Because they were feeling cramped at Diego's place, but Vanya's was even smaller?" 

"God dammit," Five said. "Say no more." 

"Yeah…" 

"Whatever," Five said. "We still need to rescue Catherine." 

"We do?" 

_"Yes!"_ Five said. 

"But Mom _really_ likes her," Allison said. 

"Then Grace can come here too, for all I care!" Five said. "The hell is the problem?" 

"Ugh," Allison said. "The problem is… Diego thinks you're senile." 

"No," Five said. "I already cleared that up with him and Grace. He was misinterpreting our behavior. He knows it now." 

"No," Allison said. "He doesn't believe you." 

_"What?"_ Five said. 

"He pretended to believe you!" Allison said, throwing her hands up in the air. 

"Asshole," Five said. "I hate his guts." 

"Me too!" Allison said. "But I also love him because he's adorably worried about you!" 

"Ugh," Five said. "Can you dial it back?" 

Allison cleared her throat. "Yes." 

"Fuck me," Five said. "So… listen, I don't give a fuck how anyone else feels about this. I've decided to pull rank." 

"Pull rank?" Allison said. "What does that mean?" 

"I'm calling seniority," Five said. "I'm the eldest, so I'm granting myself the authority to ignore this petty squabble." 

"Does that mean you're ignoring the vote?" 

_"Yes,"_ Five said. "Catherine is moving in with us. End of story." 

_"Thank you,"_ Allison said. "Um… if Mom wants to come too… is it allowed?" 

"That's between you and her," Five said. 

"Generous!" Allison said. 

"Ugh," Five said. "Then, whatever, this stupid meeting is officially adjourned." 

"Huh?" 

"You can go back to _sleep,_ Allison," Five said. "And know that, um, I'm sorry Five rudely woke you up with his stupid panic." 

"Oh," Allison said. "Um, I'd like to state for the record… I want both of you to wake me up, or interrupt me at work, or fucking teleport into my _bathroom_ if you're panicking, okay? Don't panic by yourself." 

"Ew," Five said. "I refuse to watch you take a shit, Allison!" 

"I was being hyperbolic!" 

"I _know,"_ Five said. "I'm not fucking stupid, but that was a disgusting metaphor!" 

"Understood!" Allison said. "Deleting it!" 

"Praise the fucking lord," Five said. "Can we say goodnight now? This is painful." 

"Yes," Allison said. "Sleep well." 

"Thank you," Five said. "I fucking love you." 

Before she could say it back, Five teleported. 

Allison grinned. Third was more shy than Five. He reminded her of Baby Five, in that way. 

Except he was a grown ass man trapped in a fourteen year old's body. 

For some reason, she was the only one who _saw_ that. That was probably why he trusted her more than the others. 

"I won't let you down," Allison murmured. "So keep trusting me." 

She nodded to herself, then went back to bed. 

But she didn't sleep that night. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am officially naming myself a Playwright. 
> 
> You might have noticed, but I created another "series" Three more, in fact. You can look at those at your leisure, but it's optional. 
> 
> Know that, in my mind, these are "arcs" 
> 
> Like... they're different chapters in the story, but not literal chapters. Um, they are... "sections"? 
> 
> Regardless, do what you will. 
> 
> Oh! And I've also updated the chronology. Reminder that it isn't being included in "Five is a problem solver" anymore but is a stand alone fic. I also created a series for it because, down the line, it's going to get a sequel. 
> 
> The series is called "The Bootstrap Paradox"
> 
> If any of this is irritating, I apologize. But I've decided I no longer care if Neurotypicals mistake me for pretentious. 
> 
> Oh yeah, and I'm officially naming myself ASD Autistic (Asperger's is no longer a thing, but that is where I would fall)
> 
> Therapists mistook me for Bipolar for years, but they were wrong and they fucked me up in the head by giving me medications that I didn't need. Medications that were dangerous and which triggered suicidal episodes. 
> 
> I've decided I don't need them to correctly diagnose me. I AM on the Autism Spectrum, but I'm also an androgynously female (potentially non binary) bisexual with polyamorous relationships and a fuck ton of PTSD. Those stupid therapists could not wrap their pea brains around my complex psychology. 
> 
> My special interest is Language, so I've always been a skillful chameleon that adapts my speech patterns to fit my setting. I did this to protect myself, but it was counterproductive in my therapy sessions. The doctors could not read my mind. They couldn't see what I was doing. 
> 
> Statistically, this phenomenon is common among women with ASD. Women are often misdiagnosed. It doesn't help that there is mostly only male representation for Autism in the media. Or else there is only Young Representation, but older individuals display their symptoms differently because they've attempted to adapt to / avoid social taboos. 
> 
> Sorry, I know this Author's Note is getting ridiculously long, but I feel that clarity is IMPORTANT because there are so many misdiagnosed individuals who are being given dangerous medication. I want to help those people, if I can. 
> 
> This is my headcanon: 
> 
> OG Five is an old man autistic.
> 
> Dolores/ Third is an old woman autistic, but s/he's gender non binary. 
> 
> Grace is an old woman autistic. 
> 
> Catherine is a young woman autistic.
> 
> Baby Five is a young man autistic. 
> 
> I hope this makes sense? Please ask me questions if you have any. I'm very happy to educate, but I don't want to accidentally insult anyone by being overly pretentious. 
> 
> I also want to say that my therapists have harmed me, but I hope you won't be afraid of therapy. It IS useful, but you have to go into it with a grain of salt and a detective's hat. Misunderstandings happen because these doctors can't read our minds. 
> 
> Regardless, I have graciously decided to forgive all the therapists who misdiagnosed and belittled me. They helped point me in the right direction, at least, so they were useful. 
> 
> Still: I have officially fired my last therapist because he keeps disagreeing with me. He thinks the therapist before him misdiagnosed me as Bipolar, but that I can't possibly be Autistic because I'm so "well spoken" and so skilled at navigating around social taboos. He's an idiot and he's wrong. 
> 
> I officially diagnose MYSELF. 
> 
> You know why? 
> 
> Because I've studied Psychology, Anthropology, and Linguistics BY MYSELF in order to translate all the illogical paradoxes of the world. In order to understand all the subtext and the four dimensional chess games Neurotypicals are always playing with each other. 
> 
> I'm a GENIUS, you guys. I offended my last therapist with my arrogance, but fuck that guy. He's too dumb for this shit.


End file.
